Things Your Girlfriend Is Too Nice To Tell You











Let’s start by saying that cunnilingus (oral sex performed on a woman) should be somewhere in the middle of your playlist. That’s a whole different post, the order of offerings on your Greatest Hits Album. All I’m saying is: don’t start with oral. While we appreciate the willingness and enthusiasm, you lose a lot of the effect if you make it your first or second move.

Second, I’m going to tell you something shocking: you’re paying too much attention to the clitoris.

Third: Your technique often leaves much to be desired. Before embarking on the following lesson, please refresh your memory of the various Girly Parts.

Now that I have all that harshness out of the way, let me explain in kinder terms and with greater detail.

As #1 on my list is really a whole ‘nother post, let’s talk about #2: the clitoris. The clit is a magical thing, packed full of thousands of highly-sensitive nerve endings. This is both good and bad. Good, because with sensitivity comes extreme pleasure. Bad, because with sensitivity comes oversensitivity and pain. Many men think that the clitoris is the magical gateway to female orgasms, and in a sense they are right. Unfortunately, no male organ is as sensitive as the clit, so men really have no frame of reference for how sensitive we’re talking here. Have you ever had someone give you a handjob that was just about killing you? Where you were gritting your teeth and wishing she’d stop with the kung-fu grip already? Well, this happens a lot with women and their clits.

Which brings us to #3: technique. What is it that we want, exactly? Please discard all images of cunnilingus you’ve picked up from porn. Even lesbian porn. New strategy. Instead of diving in and flicking the tip of your tongue on the clitoris in a rapid fashion, try ignoring the clitoris for a while. Build suspense. Lick (gently, and with a less-than-pointed tongue) the surrounding areas. The hood above the clit. The insides of the labia majora. The labia minora. The entrance to the vagina. Treat the clitoris as you would a girl that you want to impress by being aloof. Don’t completely ignore it; just treat it as an afterthought. Talk to all of her friends before talking to her. But when you get there, for the love of god: DO NOT SUCK ON THE CLITORIS. This almost always hurts. As a commenter wrote on a previous post, try a flat tongue. And here’s something that you’ll be hearing from me a lot: you can never go too slow or too gentle. Even when you think you’re being slow and gentle, you might not be. Slow it down to the pace of a snail. When she’s begging you for more, increase your speed and pressure only slightly. It will make her insane, and it will also produce a mind-blowing orgasm. Done correctly, her legs will be shaking when you’re finished.

But that’s not all. Part II to come. No pun intended.



In speaking with my (female) friends about oral sex, one commonality becomes apparent: almost every man claims to be awesome at performing oral sex on women, but almost none of them live up to their claims.

There are so many reasons for this.

1. Men have absolutely no idea of how sensitive the clitoris is.

2. Men forget that their are other parts of the female genitalia besides the clitoris.

3. Men think you should jump right into oral sex before other forms of foreplay.

4. Men have no patience with oral.

5. Men do not understand those techniques that are most successful.

And it’s not like those junior high sex-ed lecture in health or gym class focused on how to please your sexy lady. You men have no oral sex education other than what your sexual partners give you.

I’m not altogether blaming men for these faults. Women often fail to indicate to men their preferences. We don’t want to be pushy and obnoxious and boss you around when your head is firmly wedged in our crotch. Women are not raised to be sexually assertive, much less aggressive. And men have delicate sexual egos. Sorry, but you do. Time to toughen up, because women generally LOVE oral sex, and most of you aren’t making the experience all it could be.

But I’m going to change all of that. Next article: Oral Sex Techniques Sure to Make Your Woman’s Eyes Pop Out of Her Skull!



et cetera
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